


Endings

by Gadhar



Series: Desiderata [4]
Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-22 23:02:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2524916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gadhar/pseuds/Gadhar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re not okay, are you?” </p><p>“No.”</p><p>“That’s....I’m not either.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Endings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wanderingsmith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingsmith/gifts).



> **Warnings** on the [first](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2480603) of the series.
> 
> I'm just gonna say, check the end notes for a more detailed warning (also a spoiler) if you're concerned, otherwise, read, and if you feel uncomfortable, please stop.

“You’re not okay, are you?” 

“No.”

“That’s....I’m not either.”

“I know,” Barney mumbles, ghosting his lips over Lee’s head. 

They’re on the floor still, lying down now and Barney’s unsure of how much time has past. Probably a lot. At least enough to get them to the hours before dawn. 

Not that it matters. He’s content to stay here, with Lee wrapped in his arms, far away from the world.

“Would you have done it?”

“Yes. Do you blame me?”

“No.” Lee’s hand tightens around his and Barney lets out a long breath, closing his eyes. 

“I don’t think we can fix it.”

Barney hums, wondering if Lee’s staring at the wall again. And if he is, what he sees there. “We’re not going to.”

Lee stiffens but Barney just hugs him tighter, resting his forehead against the back of Lee’s skull. And he pushes a leg in between Lee’s, just for good measure. “Shh, I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere,” Barney whispers into the dark and repeats it over and over until Lee relaxes. “We’re going to build again. Better. Stronger.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“That’s okay."

"No, it's not. You're trying. I'm-"

"Taking a break. A breath. And I'm going to do what I should have done from the start. You don't have to carry us both."

"It won't be enough. Even now...there's something missing."

“We’ll get it back. Or, we’ll make it again.” 

“It’s not that simple.”

“You’re right, of course. Except, at the same time, it is that easy.” 

Lee makes a noise, something between a hiss and a strangled sob and his other hand comes up to grab Barney’s arm, fingers digging in as he clings to it. “It’s not Barney...I’m not....me. I’m not the same. I _killed_ someone, just– fuck.”

“Hey, _hey._ I know. I was there. I’ve been there. _You’ve_ been there. It’ll be more nightmares, more demons, I know. But I think, if we can just get it right in our heads–”

“I’m not a good guy, Barney. We’re not good guys, we can’t just–”

“Ain’t nobody a good guy, Lee. Not completely. We do the shit no one else can do. And we somehow...no. Because of you I keep it together. And I believe there is still something good in me, just like I _know_ it’s in you. We’ll get through it, just like everything else.”

“No,” Lee says, so quiet and uneven, soft, barely above a whisper. And Barney can almost see all those pieces turning to ash and blowing away. Those pieces that had been left of them. “No. Just stop, Barney. No.” 

xxxx

“I actually tried this, once before all this. When I was younger.”

Barney walks into the room and feels his stomach drop as his heart rises to his throat. Getting stuck and cutting off the air.

Part of him just slips away as his head spins. Things had finally been getting better. Things had finally– they were finally getting back to where they should have been.

He just had Lee, in his arms, only just the night before. How did it go this way? So fast? He was right there, he–

It was okay. Sort of. 

And now...

“It was actually a year or so before we met. I remember spending so much time, alone, thinking of how I’d do it. A gun, a knife, pills maybe? Maybe I’d jump off the bridge or hang. I felt that, if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right.”

Barney blanches at the thought of what right might be. He can't imagine anyone doing this as right. Can’t imagine there being a right way. Can’t imagine the act, itself, as right.

He takes another step into the room and then another. And he goes until he’s almost in the middle, almost close enough to touch Lee.

But that’s when Lee spins around and faces him.

“I thought about the gun and shook my head. It’d be too hard for a funeral, not that anybody’d come, but, having the side or back of my head blown out, couldn’t have an open casket. I didn’t think my mum would like that very much, turn over in her grave. And I didn’t like the thought of hanging from some belt. A slow death. Letting someone find my body hanging like a marionette. It seemed like a last win for everyone trying to dehumanize me. I figured, if I couldn’t live like a human, I’d go out as one. 

“Pills didn't seem right either, too simple. Too easy even. I couldn’t imagine just going to sleep, knowing I'd never wake up. I always liked sleep and it seemed like quite the thing to ruin it, you know?”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Barney says, under his breath, wanting to flinch at the smile Lee gives him. He’s going through it in his head, the scenarios, what move he should make.

“I bounced between jumping and a knife for the longest time. It’d be a hell of a thing, to fly before the end. But there’s something about a knife, the sharp edge of it. It’s punishing. It fit. I had spent so much time in pain. Pain is what had brought me to the point. It made sense for pain to be the end.”

“Lee, don't.” Barney raises a hand, sees Lee’s own tighten around the knife, press harder.

“You can’t stop me Barney. I can’t stop me. I’m done.”

“You're not done. No. Don’t say that. I know it hurts, I know–”

“Do you? Because if you did, you wouldn’t try to stop me. You’re hurt too. I see it. I feel it. I don't like it. Maybe....maybe if I’m out of the way, you won’t hurt anymore.”

“But I will, Lee, _I will._ I messed up, I did this. Don't stop, don't give up.”

“You did.”

“And it was a mistake! Lee–”

“I love you.”

_“DON’T–”_

Lee drags the knife, quick and clean right across his neck. Quick, just like he would move in a fight. But Barney sees it slow, Lee’s hand moving so slow he should be able to stop it but he’s moving even slower, lunging across the space between them.

Where the knife was a long black line forms and thickens, the pale of skin splitting as red wells up and gushes out. 

Lee’s body seems to hang there, for a brief moment, like the marionette he spoke of, and then he’s crumbling, folding over.

Barney catches him just as he goes, kneels on the ground with Lee in his lap as he tries to stop the bleeding. The airy, gasping sounds coming out of Lee’s mouth are raw and soft, like whimpers and the blood keeps bubbling up between his fingers.

“No Lee, fuck no. You’re okay. You’re okay, I promise.” Barney rips off part of his shirt, holds it to Lee’s neck and watches the fabric soak through with blood. There’s so much red– so much–

“Lee, no. Lee _please.”_

Lee’s skin is getting paler, it’s almost grey and Barney can’t hear the noises anymore. There’s nothing moving Lee’s chest and he can't– when he pushes his hand against Lee’s chest he can't feel a heartbeat. He can’t feel anything– and Lee, he’s so cold– he’s cold. So cold and–

“Fuck, Lee. NO. Lee. _Lee._ Don't leave me, Lee. Please.”

Lee’s not moving, he’s not moving and he’s cold and the blood– the blood isn't moving and there’s– Barney can't see anything in Lee’s eyes anymore and– there’s nothing, there’s– but– fuck, he can’t see, it’s too– it’s too wet and blurry and Lee– _fuck Lee–_

There’s nothing left. 

There’s nothing.

_“No, Lee. Please. Don't go.”_

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is divided into two parts. The second part has a death in it. Lee's death, actually. And he does kill himself in something that is a very descriptive fashion (or so I say). So avoid that section entirely if you're not comfortable with that. If you choose to read, please stop if you feel uncomfortable or some other negative state of being I can't think of.
> 
> One more part to go.


End file.
